I suppose if I ever got to the point where I could accept reality as it is rather than trying to change it in my head, I would be approaching full healing. In my mind I am invited to spend a day with the one I once loved. I am paddling a canoe
with her in the front. We could be watching nature or talking, it does not matter. At first I got to the middle of the lake, then I stopped paddling. Where does it go from here? It is not real. I keep seeing her, forty years with her husband. Time I will never have. Her memories do not include me. What is there to say? These are not my memories.
I try again. This time there is no reason to go to the middle of the lake. Again, I hit the same dead-end in my mind. Eventually, I paddle only ten feet out. Why bother? Suddenly, I can no longer imagine being able to insert myself into her life or her into mine. Her dog is not my dog although it is my favorite breed. I next imagine myself in the canoe alone. I am paddling home.
Maybe I am starting to understand what these forty years have meant to people not stuck in this time warp. I recognize that the path God has taken me is so different from the path she was on. Her life is the life I wanted but cannot have.
Why bother with the canoe? Maybe a walk in the wood. But why bother even there? Is this the beginning of acceptance? I suppose if I could read her life without feeling remorse, sadness, left out. That might mean I have accepted this final consequence of the trauma. I look forward, down the road I appear to be on. This road which seems to be the logical direction God is taking me. The reality I have. I smile as I roll over and hold my wife.
A few years ago I could not allow myself to imagine these things. I thought it was dangerous. So many thoughts, so many parts of this imaginary trip is wrong. But now I know letting my mind wander this way, correcting my thoughts to keep within the safety of God’s laws, is part of the healing process. Through these imaginary trips, I am realizing resolution. Now, I’m beginning to accept reality. I wonder where it will lead. Can I finally let go?
ceg
Written 10/6/17