I find myself wondering if a time would come when I had no more thoughts of this trauma and would not be able to meet my goal of one blog per week. Then I thought, maybe that would be a good thing. After all, if I were no longer thinking about this which haunts me, wouldn’t
that mean that I was healed?
How many times have I thought I was healed only to discover later, I was simply in denial? Denial and health look the same. After all, what is denial if not “I am ok, Nothing is wrong?” This is the trouble between being healed and denial: they look identical – until reality strikes and all the memories come flooding back.
Fortunately, this is also the path to healing. The grief cycle has many phases, one is denial. As my mind travels down this twisting path which I dub “Snake River Trail”, I seem to sometimes travel one direction then the path turns and I travel the opposite direction. Sometimes I travel North, then South. Sometimes East and West. It’s the way the path goes. Sometimes I think I am traveling in circles. I come to a certain place and think, “I’ve been lost here before.” I look around thinking, “That path is the one that gets me to where I want to go.”
What does it mean to be healed, to reach full recovery? Does it mean that I will recover all I have lost? That will never happen. It’s been forty years. Things change. People change. One can never go back. Those places, people, circumstances and opportunities do not exist anymore. We must recognize and meet our new challenges. We don’t ignore or deny the past, we accept it as a time of growth. Something to make us stronger.
What does it mean to be healed? Being able to recognize today’s challenges and meet the opportunities of today, this is health. To be at peace with oneself, to be able to think, respond and create.
I have this blog. I have my house. I have the promises of God and I can take what I have for gain. That sounds healthy. Snake River trail, it was a bittersweet pleasure to have walked you. I learned a lot and I have grown.
ceg
Written: Sept 26, 2017