I have never admitted this to anyone but yes, thoughts of suicide were frequent in those days. Truth is, they have been quite recent also. The only thing preventing me from suicide is the thought that I would fail. In my mind, there is nothing worse than suicide except failing at suicide. I knew God had something
for me to accomplish before I die and he would not let me die until it is accomplished.
I forget who it was that said it, but “We are immortal until God says it is time for us to come home.
Many times I have prayed for him to just take me home. But it is not yet time. Instead, over the course of my life, I have seen Him fulfil every promise He ever made to me. In my quiet times He would quietly speak to my soul. Sometimes I would hear Him clearly, other times not so clearly. Sometimes in dreams, sometimes simply in a genital assurance. Many times I would reject what He is trying to tell me. But He kept His word anyway. As I look back, I see that He was there all the time and that He was guiding every footstep.
I didn’t like it. I fight it, but He has and is fulfilling every promise.
26 Likewise, the Spirit is also helping in our weaknesses. For what should we be praying? We are not aware. Yet the Spirit Himself is interceding with groanings {sighs} beyond words. 27 Yes, the one searching the hearts knows. What is the mind of the Spirit according with God? He is interceding for the sake of saints. 28 Yet we are aware that to the ones loving God all is working together into good, (to the ones being called according to His purpose.) 29 For the ones whom He foreknew, He also pre-ordained designates to have the likeness of the image of His Son that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 Moreover the ones whom He pre-ordained designates, these He also calls; and whom He calls, these also He also justifies; yet whom He justifies, these He glorifies.
Romans 8, my feeble translation.
The love of God is so great that He calls us His children. (1John 3)
31 See what kind of love The Father gives us by calling us children of God?
Do you think He does not know what has happened to you, what you have seen or heard or felt? Jesus himself said
29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (Mat 10:29-31 NIV)
When I gave life to Jesus, the man who baptized me in the Spirit told me that I was now the enemy of Satan and that he would do everything he could to destroy me. God is faithful. He has seen me through and He will see you through.
ceg
Written 9/12/17