“P” (pornography) is a very strong addiction and has many problems attached to it. It’s not just one guy drooling over images on his computer or watching “adult movies”. There is so much more.
P addiction, like that of drugs, is not satisfied with just looking at images. After a time it is not enough. The addiction requires that man to go out and find someone with whom to live out the fantasies. Voyeurs are often P addicts, as well as indecent exposers. It is also thought that serial killers are often addicted to P.
It goes without saying that P takes a toll on marriages and ultimately, the breakup of families. Perhaps at the first the wife takes her husband’s liking of P lightly but eventually he will lose interest in her and just keep looking for the next thrill.
This is what happened to my marriage. Within 6 months of the marriage I realized he had a problem. He would hide the magazines (this was prior to the internet age) but somehow I would find them. Did he really think I wouldn’t clean UNDER the bed? He always said he wouldn’t do it anymore but he did. After my kids were adults I realized that I had lost the P battle, that he would always want P rather than me and I also realized that he had reached the stage where he wanted to “live out his fantasies”. I allowed him to do this by leaving!
Is P really an addiction or is it selfishness? I’m thinking it must be an addiction when a man does not stop even though he knows he will lose the wife he claims to love. I’m thinking it’s selfishness for a man to prefer to masturbate while looking at those images rather than make love to his wife.
I told him so many times how inadequate I felt as a woman but I don’t believe he ever understood. I told him so many times how much it hurt me and why it hurt me, but to no avail.
So if you are a married man and have a problem in this area let me assure you – you WILL lose your wife. If you have children you will lose them too, especially once they grow up and figure out why you and their mother are no longer married.
Is it addiction or your choice? That’s for you to decide.
lynn
Thanks for the post, Lynn. Can you remember how you felt when you first discovered he was viewing Pornography? How did it effect you over the coarse of your marriage? How did it change your life? How did you feel when he touched you or did he stop touching you?
I have tried to write how this affected me. Hopefully you can cut and paste.
Yes… it was a major life changing trauma. At first it was heartbreaking to have given so much to this man, and I truly was a very good wife, always supportive. He had the nerve to tell me that if I dressed better and wore makeup every day he might not need to look at porn. So, I tried to look glamorous and attractive, but to no avail. One of the things I struggled with was that he was all I wanted and I always wanted him. Unfortunately he just pretended to want me. What he really wanted was self gratification. This is why I have the opinion that P addiction is pure selfishness. So to be discarded for the sake of his finding someone new who would be more amenable to his “dirty mind” was so incredibly unfair. He didn’t care about what happened to me, like the fact that I was unable to find a full time job with benefits and had to be on food stamps!! There was so much bitterness and heartbreak at that time. Such a feeling of “why did I bother with this man and give him so many chances to get his act together?” So much anger. But God is good and I have always had a strong faith and He placed me in an old Victorian house converted to apartments, with fabulous neighbors who became really good friends. When I left him, I told the husband that he would need to find a different church because I was keeping our church. Yes… he was a churchgoing man! My pastor was amazing and helped me to see the future and not the past.
The job situation was still dire so I went online job searching and within 2 days I was contacted by an agent for the job I have now. God placed me here and that’s where the healing really took place. I was placed in the best part of this hospital with really caring people. They welcomed me and made me one of them immediately.
All I can say is that I have been through a horrible situation but because of my faith I have come through. Yes, I have walls around me as far as men are concerned. I truly have no interest in being with another man. I had no idea I would love being alone as much as I do. I am grateful that I was programmed this way because I think had I longed for another relationship it would have been so much more difficult. Is there a wonderful man out there? Maybe. But someone else can have him….hahaha!
addendum
It is heartbreaking for a wife to know that she is not enough for her husband, in spite of his denials. His lying about the P was a very hot button issue for me. When a wife feels she is not enough for her man, it robs her of her confidence. Fortunately for me although I have no confidence in attracting a man, I do have confidence in every other aspect of who I am.
The problem with men, in my opinion, is that they want a good looking woman, first and foremost and I often wonder if the attraction to P for some men is connected to this fact. Few men are attracted to a woman who is not “the perfect shape”.
Thanks Lynn, Sounds like you’re still suffering from the trauma. It takes a long time as we are affected in ways we don’t realize.
The problem with pornography is it isn’t real. How can anyone compete with a ghost?
Another problem is it is selfish. Selfishness is the ultimate sin. What sin exists without selfishness?
A Third problem is that it completely misses what marriage is about. Remember the 11 Aspects of Life? Marriage is more than some physical event. It is an opportunity to unite intimately in all eleven of these aspects. This is why I wrote the poem “Rape” Rape has nothing to do with love… Pornography has nothing to do with love. It is self gratification in a world of make-believe.
Marriage, on the other hand, is an opportunity to get to know another person in every aspect of life: To share and encourage each other to grow to their fullest potential. Pornography, rape, selfish desires: sin in general, short-circuits this process.
Marriage, can be wonderful and it takes a lifetime to experience the fullness of seeking God’s will together.
What is love? Is it not a concern for the other person? A desire to help that person grow, bloom and produce the maximum fruit? How can we encourage each other? This is love. This is neither shallow or casual.
I read a children’s book the other day where “Grandma” was explaining to her grand daughter that “A moose cow does not want a buck who has been scarred or potbellied.” While nature may live by the “survival of the fittest,” Christ teaches us to care for the damaged and hurting. After all, we are all damaged and hurting and he cares for us.
The first thing I notice about your response (and gentlemen, this is for you) is how you felt degraded. Where Husband is to care for you like a precious flower so you can bloom, he ignored, criticized and demeaned you. Eventually, you lost hope and withered. You did your best, but without the fertilizer of encouragement, the water of love, you wilted in the heat of his scorn.
Part of the problems with pornography is the lies. Not just pornography, but life in general. Woman have a tendency to preen themselves, the entertainment business decorates woman to give an image that is not real. Men believe this stuff. We are ignorant. We have a false picture in our minds of what a woman is and what she looks like. Reality is somewhat different than Hollywood’s projections.
No one can live up to make-believe, and no fantasy can exist in reality. No fantasy can experience the fullness of reality. Living in fantasy is sick. Addictions of any kind is a sign of unhealth.
As I strive toward recovery and health, I keep asking myself, keep striving for reality. There are thoughts, dreams, hopes, but what is real?
When we find and accept reality, then we become healthy.
thanks for your candor.
ceg
ceg – that’s exactly how I felt – unloved.
I want to add that once I left this selfish perverted man, I found my old self again. I recovered most of who I was. However, I still believe that I am completely unattractive to men. But Im ok with that because the rest of my life is really good and I would never want to put myself back in a situation where I would be hurt again.
Out of the unhealthy relationship came children. Were they healthy or unhealthy?
Note to Reader: Not all of the comments shared are made public. Lynn, How did this affect your relationship with God?
2 of the children had addiction problems. The other one is walled off and prefers not to interact with people. They were not aware of the porn problem until they were adults.
I just trusted God. I really felt that He had brought us together to heal husband of the perversion. Husband had many chances to get help and quit. He always said he would quit but he didn’t. Eventually I felt that God was releasing me from the marriage because that was the time that husband was looking online for someone new. I left and that was the start of my new life. Through all, I never stopped trusting God and doing what I believed He wanted me to do. He rewarded me with a much better life.
When Jesus was asked about Divorce, He answered “Except for fornication…” (Matthew 5:31,32) By the way, the Greek word is porneias.
Jesus was saying he was committing adultery in his heart. But that’s no longer the issue here. The issue concerns the damage caused by sin. The real problem is how to repair the extreme damage caused by such unfaithfulness.
The role of the husband is to love his wife. If a woman is loved, a bud of Beauty grows from the inside. The homeliest woman becomes beautiful when loved by her husband, and a lovely woman withers when unloved. The woman needs love, the man needs respect. These feed off each other.
ceg
Your story touches me deeply. It is easy to understand you were traumatized by this. It affected who you were as well as all your hopes and dreams for your family. It affected me. I realize that I can not fix this. I cannot offer comfort (it is unwise for a man in distress to comfort a woman in distress. However, I can pray for you.
Father, Bless and comfort Lynn and her family. Help them heal completely as you bring them to you in your comfort. Thank you for all you do in healing each of us. Draw us close to you as we respond in obedience. In Jesus name, with his power to heal, Amen.