I wrote the following for a friend who will be coming home soon. It is my recommendation to her and her husband. After deployment where one has been away from home for a long time and seen more in a week that most people see in a lifetime, The stresses and trauma begin to pile up in our head. This is my recommendation for anyone coming home after deployment.
I call her “Debbie” and her husband “Dean”. Here, Debbie has spent a year with FEMA helping people in Porto Rica. I write to “Dean” because he was home and needs to carefully welcome “Debbie” back as she has seen the traumas.
Dean: I assume Debbie is still in PR. Save your vacation time so when she returns you can spend a month or more with her. She is away from home and even though you can talk by phone each evening, she is suffering from exposure to traumas every day. I recommend the same for any soldiers coming back from deployment.
My recommendation is as follows: Let her unpack and enjoy being home alone for a few days – but not too long. Let her sit on the dock, enjoy the lake, paddle the canoe in the evenings with you. Let her visit the wood (Her animal friends will not recognize her but she needs to unwind slightly). Meanwhile, pack the car for a long trip.
After a few days, visit (Daughter) and family perhaps on a weekend.
Then head down to visit (Father). Drive with the radio off. Talk. Take you time. Visit national parks along the way. Climb Pike’s Peak.
Do not be surprised or afraid if emotions suddenly explode. Emotions have been pent up for a long time in both of you. These emotions need sorted and shared. This is part of the healing process.
After a week or two, as long as you are visiting (father), swing over and visit (Son) and his family.
Take what time you can afford. If Debbie met four traumatized people every hour she worked, she met 50 people a day, 1500 people a month. She has been gone for several months. No one can handle this without side effects.
Then take your time on the way home. Stop along route 66 if it still exists. Visit Roy Roger’s museum if it is still open. Smell the roses. Take your time.
Debbie: Do not attempt to edit your second book (Do not try to pick up where you left off). Not yet. First, write about your adventure with FEMA. I assume that by now, you are no longer calling this deployment an “adventure”.
Write your memories. Take your time. Do not write about the events alone. Give us your impressions. Your feelings. Do not worry about order, Just your impressions and feelings. This is not a children’s book where you skip over the surface. This is an emotional gut wrenching novel that will bring the readers to tears and joy. The first line could be “Dean, my husband of forty years, met me on the tarmac. I had been gone for twelve lonely month’s. Now, he stands before me, My husband, a stranger. The mixed, confused feelings within me wanted to get out as they ran to hide. The joy of being in his arms again the fear of being in his arms again…”
Dean: Both you and Debbie have gone through tough times over these past eight years. Although you shared the same events, you both experienced them differently:
Debbie lost her mother, you lost your mother-in-law.
During the flood, Debbie lost her home and her security, you lost your house and possessions.
Debbie lost herself and her interest in her work. You saw her change.
Debbie went back to the wood, to write, she found herself by relaxing in the canoe.
She was energized by Nature and Nature’s God. You quit your job to move and to please her.
Debbie spent time helping (son’s wife) through a difficult pregnancy. You held down the fort.
Debbie was there when your grandchild was born. You were waiting for her to come home.
When she did come home, she learned she was no longer employed. You stood by her.
She enlisted with FEMA, You stood by her. She went to training. You stood by her. Then when the hurricanes struck this past summer, you took her to the airport.
Her adventure began. You drove those long terrible miles home: alone, in your cabin by the lake.
First there was thanksgiving. Alone.
Then there was Christmas. Alone, each in your own separate worlds. Sometimes you could phone, sometimes you could Skype but alone.
New Years day. Alone.
Valentines day: Alone
Debbie’s Birthday. Alone
Snowstorms and blizzards, Alone.
Morning Coffee: Alone.
You watched geese fly south. Alone
You watched deer out your window. Alone
You watched geese return: Alone
Deer and moose giving birth. You check her camera’s. Alone.
Debbie’s luggage returned as she learned she did not need so much nor will she have time to rewrite. You place them in the closet and waited.
Debbie may have temporarily lost herself, you lost your wife.
No, you experienced the same events, but the traumas are very different.
Take time, lots of time to help each other heal from this time of separation. Be patient as all this pain will take time to surface and heal. When you do heal, you will be stronger than ever before.
ceg.