God is in control. It is hard to see this sometimes. We ask ourselves “Why didn’t He protect us?” We wonder how people can be so cruel. We wonder why things are not the way they are supposed to be. How can He stand by when people are so disobedient to His ways?
Where was He when these things happened? Continue reading Post 3: God is in Control
Category: PTSD
Post 4: Forgiveness
The screaming could be heard from one end of the mall to the other. A young child was being held down by her mother and father while the store attendant with her body piercings and tattoos prepared to poke a hole in the child’s ear.
“No, I don’t want my ears pierced.” She cried. Or was she too young to even talk? I don’t remember. But it was evident in her screams that Continue reading Post 4: Forgiveness
Post 5: Suicide
I have never admitted this to anyone but yes, thoughts of suicide were frequent in those days. Truth is, they have been quite recent also. The only thing preventing me from suicide is the thought that I would fail. In my mind, there is nothing worse than suicide except failing at suicide. I knew God had something Continue reading Post 5: Suicide
Post 6: Law vs Grace.
Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of her shadow. After spending thirty years counting beans, making certain everyone is in compliance with the laws, she became a lawyer. Me? I went on to become an ordained minister. There you have it. One of us a lawyer, the other a minister.
In theology class, we were constantly reminded of the tension between Law and Grace. Continue reading Post 6: Law vs Grace.
Post 7: Love.
God used my second wife to pull me out of my hermitage. I had withdrawn into myself so deeply that I hadn’t spoken to anyone for an entire year. I lived ten miles from any town, went to work at night and on weekends, where for the most part, I was alone. I liked it that way.
Then through a series of events, God pulled me out of this. It started Continue reading Post 7: Love.
Post 8: Transformation.
Yesterday, I went to my regular prayer meeting. We were discussing revivals in the area. As I started to pray, I noticed the others got up and encircled me. I was in the “hot seat” It is a privilege to be in the hot seat. The prayers, the laying on of hands, the anointing with oil were Continue reading Post 8: Transformation.
Post 9: History
It occurs to me that I should explain the origin of this blog. On the fortieth anniversary of my being raped, I went to the domestic Violence Crises Center and, on a weekly basis, relived in my mind (without the aid of my diary) the events that happened. Continue reading Post 9: History
Post: 10: Snake River Trail
I find myself wondering if a time would come when I had no more thoughts of this trauma and would not be able to meet my goal of one blog per week. Then I thought, maybe that would be a good thing. After all, if I were no longer thinking about this which haunts me, wouldn’t Continue reading Post: 10: Snake River Trail
Post 11: Forgiveness
Does forgiveness first require repentance? When I came home, the one thing that I needed most was comfort from the one I loved. Without that I crumbled. I had no one else to turn. Nowhere to go.
But she refused to talk to me. Continue reading Post 11: Forgiveness
Post 12: Confidence
I was discussing some of the differences between men and women with a coworker. She asked if I thought it was possible for a man to fall in love, exclusively dedicated to one woman. The question itself was very telling as I knew she had given up Continue reading Post 12: Confidence
Post 12b: Acceptance
I suppose if I ever got to the point where I could accept reality as it is rather than trying to change it in my head, I would be approaching full healing. In my mind I am invited to spend a day with the one I once loved. I am paddling a canoe Continue reading Post 12b: Acceptance
Post 14: Abandoned
I have a coworker who has a cabin up in the wood. He says there are a lot of wild dogs in the area. People will drive up, abandon the animals then drive off. A dog left to fend for himself will go anywhere and do anything for food.
In the same way, Continue reading Post 14: Abandoned
Post 15: Forgiving
I attend a weekly prayer group. A few weeks ago, the men gathered around me to pray specifically for me. The prayers and confessions went deep. Among them was a word that I must forgive people of my past. This is difficult because it is easy for me to create Continue reading Post 15: Forgiving
Post 16: Understanding
I wonder if there are things I will never understand. Again, how is it possible for this person to be so cruel? There is absolutely no way that I can comprehend given what I know of her, and I thought I knew her very well, that this kind of behavior is consistent Continue reading Post 16: Understanding
Post 17: Victimizing the victim
Let’s take some time to discuss abortion. The argument is “What about cases of incest and rape?” Good question. Let’s say a young girl is raped by a family member, stranger or friend. She has been traumatized. As we have learned, Trauma means the brain Continue reading Post 17: Victimizing the victim
Post 18: Politics of Welfare
Shall we discuss the politics of welfare? Welfare pays girls to get pregnant as long as there is no man in the house. How is this good? The woman is paid to have children and expel the father. What is the effect on society?
In the early Continue reading Post 18: Politics of Welfare
Post 19: PRIVECY
I spent a year working for a company cleaning ductwork. It is a very intimate job.
I would go into a stranger’s house, look for all the heating ducts in every room and start removing the registers. Sometimes I would need to move furniture, I would see the dust, the pictures on the walls, the knickknacks revealing the individualistic character, likes and dislikes of the owner. Continue reading Post 19: PRIVECY
Post 20: Flirting
My wife says that I flirt with the girls at work. I do not understand. There are some girls who tell me things I have no business knowing, unless they know I am a pastor. But I just listen, say hi, smile and move along doing my work. I guess some think Continue reading Post 20: Flirting
Post 21: Language
I did reach out and found an old friend. We carried on a conversation for a while. Then I said something that she took to mean as something else. That was the end of that.
I am not a diplomat. I wonder now if my language center was damaged by the trauma and I say things that mean something quite the opposite of my intention. In letters and emails, there is no way to read the feedback of the receiver to Continue reading Post 21: Language
Post 22: Past, Present and Future
We had seven births at the hospital yesterday. Things were hopping. As I was replacing the Oxygen for the C-section warmer, I had a page to meet the helicopter: A twenty year old male, cocaine overdose. Intubated. Continue reading Post 22: Past, Present and Future