I like to believe, and research confirms, that if when I came home, someone would have been there for me things would have been alright. I now know it was important for me to go through the entire forty year process in order for me to write this book/site. It may be that it was for this purpose, I was born. This is bigger than me. My wants needs and desires come second to the good that can come to others by writing this and making this site. You are more important than my personal desires.
Let’s take a closer look. I don’t really want to look at this, because I don’t want to remember how messed up I was. An injury can look very intimidating at the time. Hollywood does a fantastic job of trying to gross us out by depicting injuries on the screen. But injuries are real and they are messy. Physical injuries are measurable. Psychological and emotional injuries are hidden. Social injuries are integral parts of us.
In trauma, the brain produces chemicals that affects how we think and remember. Instead of remembering things as chronological events, we have vivid snapshots that are often disconnected. Our sense of smell, taste, touch, sight and hearing is heightened during trauma. We have images that might make no contextual sense, but return to us if we try to sleep. Over time, these images might become more pronounced as our body, brain and spirit begins to heal. It is like the itch under the cast when we break our leg. Part of the healing process is the subconscious trying to waken and return to our consciousness.
For me, the actual injury took place over only a three month period while I slowly learned that this person could not be trusted and was in fact causing me damage. Denial and ignorance played a part in this. The unknown drugs he used, turned to overt offers of alcohol and marijuana. The trauma stifled my ability to reason, the drugs and alcohol maintained the stupor. The confusion was extreme. Only because I had a friend who cared for me was God able to pull me out of this. I owe her my life.
When I returned home, I had suffered great damage on all levels. Like a burn, however, the damage did not end with the initial event. The following year I continued spiraling down. As I slowly began to realize what had happened, the effects of the damage grew. I withdrew into myself. Depression set in. My cognitive skills evaporated. I had gone from living to existing. Knowing I needed help, there was nowhere to turn, no one I could trust. There was one minister who tried to help, he would ask probing questions and I would answer with the words of my abuser: as if programed how to answer. Those words left a terrible taste in my mouth and afterwards I could think on them and begin to filter them. It took time.
Over time, the vultures started landing. I told this one that I was in love with someone else, she saw that love I had for the other, and wanted it for herself. Lies and deception. Manipulation and control.
I was extremely vulnerable to these.
The damage caused by this vulture was far greater than the damage of the pedophile who simply wanted to know he could control some ignorant / innocent kid with drugs and use people for self-gratification.
True love benefits the person we love. When we truly love someone, we want the best for that person. We want that person to achieve their fullest potential, even if that means we do not get to fill our own personal desires. What is the difference between selfishness and love? Everything.
For me, the long term effects of these few months was finding a vulture that continued to abuse me over the next eighteen years. She chew me up, spit me out then did it again. While I tried to give her the love I had for someone else, I was living a lie and deep down I knew it. I withdrew. I withdrew from everything. I remember waking one day thinking, “I have not talked with anyone for nearly a year, now.” Then, slowly, God pulled me out of this. It was painful but I began to learn so many others also were dealing with their varieties of damage.
Conclusion:
My damage was rape by a pedophile, but damage is damage. We are all damaged in one area or another by one thing or another. What is important is that we learn to take that damage and use it as something that shapes our lives so we can reach our full potential in helping others overcome the damage they suffer.
There is the victim. This lasts for a short time. There is the re-victimization as we slowly realize the perpetrator is not a safe person. After we escape that perpetrator, we are injured and vulnerable to attacks by others. Slowly, we overcome our injuries. They heal. All the injuries in all the aspects of life form a scab and heal. We become stronger. We are no longer a victim. We are no longer a “Survivor”, we have overcome and overcome to recovery. It takes the help of others and God, as we go from victim to survivor to recovered. Now, we can help others as we go … Beyond Recovery.
Epilog