While re-victimization from the same perpetrator is like the little girl who kept hitting me on the shoulder, re-victimization from others is like hitting the thumb the second time. Already sensitive to the pain, hardly able to hold a nail, someone else comes along causing more damage.
It’s like a goose shot out of the air, wounded but not dead. It is vulnerable to the attacks from others. Vultures fly around looking for the injured, waiting to pounce. Whether for sport or feed, they pile on just because they can.
Maybe it is unintentional. Not all injuries are the result of deliberate sabotage. I remember when I had finally had had enough, I decided to drop out of college and come home. I drove the eight hours, went directly to my beloved’s house, knocked on the door, and said, “I’ve come home.” Her answer was, “So what?”
My injuries were such that I did not remember that I had chased her away in order to protect her. I was not able to think clearly because of the damage done at so many basic need’s levels. I needed someone to comfort me, to tell me everything was okay. Her answer was confusing, sending me further into isolation.
When I was eight years old I had a dog named “Rocky,” a little Chihuahua that loved to bark at anything threatening the family. As I left each morning to climb onto the school bus, it would chase the bus. Busses are bigger than Chihuahuas and one day Rocky got too close to the rear tire. As I tried to help it off the road; his eyes were rolled back, his teeth barred as he yelled in the pain of his crushed hind quarters. I reached down to comfort him. He bit me. He was in so much pain that he did not know I was trying to help. He bit me as I tried to help. Sometimes, maybe always, when we are in so much pain, we “bite” anyone who tries to help us. It is not rational, it is just because we hurt so deeply.
“Rocky did not know what he was doing,” explained my mom when I asked, “Why did he bite me?” My mom and dad were very concerned that I was not traumatized by this event. I accepted it without problems. The truth of the matter is that I knew before I opened the door to meet the bus, if Rocky got out that day, he would get run over by the bus and die. In those days, God would tell me things before they happened.
If we are prepared, we are not traumatized. When we are not prepared, the trauma is magnified.
I remember a friend telling me a story where he would collect beer cans for recycling. He would toss them in the back of his pickup then drive to the recycling center. One day his steering linkage broke and he flipped over in the ditch. There he was laying in the ditch, surrounded by all those ripe beer cans. He needed help, but drunks are pushed to the back of the line at the hospital. There he was injured, with no help. Misunderstood because he smelled of beer.
It’s hard to know how to help when we cannot see the injuries. Just as basic needs are damaged when someone violates these needs, there is damage when others attack those same needs. Sometimes, because the attacks are from strangers, this damage is negligible, but if the attacks occur over time, and by friends, the damage accumulates.
Damage is damage. It does not matter the source or the motive.
At this point, I could go through the hierarchy again. I could investigate how each aspect of the human can be damaged, but it is not necessary. You can do this on your own. Making your own personal chart will benefit you more than anything I write.
Abuse of any kind, coming from the family, strikes at the very basic needs of a person. The damage is severe but not insurmountable. Many have learned how to overcome this damage and have gone on to reach their full potential.
What about Stalking?