Of all the religions in the world, there is only one that has a Savior and offers forgiveness of all our sins or shortcomings. Only one offers forgiveness as a free gift for simply believing. Only one has a God who became a man, suffered and died, then rose from the grave to give us everlasting life. This one religion says God wants to have a personal relationship with us and has cleared a path to make this possible. We are unable to go up to His level, however, God became human, coming down to our level. This is the message of Christianity.
Since God wants to have an intimate relationship with us, all we need to do is stop running and start listening to Him. He came from heaven, became a man, and took our shortcomings onto Himself: Because of our shortcomings, we deserve the death penalty. He suffered by dying in our place. Then He came back to life, asking us to accept His gift of forgiveness and Himself as a living and true friend. All we have to do is accept this. Taking on the new life He gives is easy and hard. Learning to trust a God we cannot see, in the midst of our pain, is hard. Learning to trust after we have gone through a trauma and it seems as if He let us down may seem impossible.
We spend days, weeks, even years on our knees. Praying to a God that does not seem to respond. Maybe it was someone we met in church. Maybe we prayed real hard for something and we never got it. Are we going to give up on God or will this make us stronger? I remember that day very well. Walking home from church that fine spring day, I decided to visit a man who was sick. He was a new member, and this was the first time he missed since he started attending. I will include it here for you. Written forty years after the event, this was the first time I am able to capture a little of who I was before. I call myself Tom.
The Slaughter of a Lamb
It was a small church, so small, they met in a house. There was no pastor. The members would study, then take turns discussing what they had learned. This was new to Tom, an interesting concept. Everyone was equal, respected for the insight they could share.
Tom was new in town. His first year in college. At six foot two, one hundred twenty seven pounds, he looked like any kid still outgrowing his jeans. Clean shaven, not because he practiced the ritual, his peach fuzz simply was not yet visible. His thick brown hair parted naturally on the left, or as it grew longer, in the middle. But for now, on the left where it would show a little white spot of a few hairs.
Although he was unaccustomed to this way of meeting each Sunday, he was not a stranger to worshiping God. Raised in a believing family, He had given his life to Jesus some years earlier. He spent many hours reading and studying the ways of God. Unafraid of exploring, he spent the last summer with a carnival. Each week would find him in a different town, and he would take the opportunity to spend each Sunday in a different denomination. Meeting new people, learning what that church had to offer. Now, at seventeen, he was on his own. A new city, a new school, the start of a new life.
The church met for an hour each Sunday. Some of the members would meet here then attend another congregation as well. It did not take long to learn who the leaders were as they would have something to say most every Sunday, each one offering a bit of insight as they studied the word of God. And so it went, Sunday after Sunday as they met in the well-kept two story house they called church, the children would meet in various rooms while the adults would meet in the living room. Afterword, they would share lunch before parting for home.
One day, one of the elders stood to make a proposal. He called for a meeting after lunch. “There is no reason to leave the house empty all week where someone could break in and we would never know until the following Sunday. Why not rent the house out to a college kid, preferably to a woman. She could keep the place clean, do the dusting and sweeping for her rent. We have a room upstairs where she could live.” The others agreed. This would give the place security as well as alleviate the need to clean each Saturday. Tom thought of applying, but the thought of cleaning the entire house stopped him.
Arraignments were made, an advertisement was placed at the local college and Lori was found. Tom never met her. She was there, conversing with the woman as they prepared the meal. Tom stayed with the men, discussing religion or other subjects that men talk about.
The school Tom attended was male dominated. Only five girls were interested in electronic engineering. So seeing a girl was a novelty. But he didn’t care. He wasn’t interested in other woman, he had his own at home. She was the love of his life. They had met a few months earlier at a music contest. He was seventeen and she was sixteen. He would have asked her to marry him right then and there, but thought he should wait until she turned seventeen. That was his plan. To ask her to marry him on her seventeenth birthday. Strange things happen when a fellow meets a girl. Suddenly, he was combing his hair and writing letters. He was never able to write, not even thank you notes to his grandparents, but now he was writing letters every day, and looking forward to receiving her letter every day. Love is like that. The only problem was that he left her behind to come to this school. Why he didn’t know. He missed her. Being away from home was like that. Lonely. And so it went as fall turned to winter, Thanksgiving turned to Christmas. Old members would stop in during the holidays, and acquaintances renewed. New members would come and be welcomed.
Such was the case when Frank came. Frank was in his early thirties. He came sharing his message of love and forgiveness. Talked about prejudices and the need to accept others for who they are.
A snowstorm between Tom and home kept Tom from making it home for Thanksgiving. His roommate skipped class on Friday and made it home, but Tom stayed in school and was stuck at the dorm, alone. He spent the holiday watching the Mayor turn on the Christmas lights downtown. It left a terrible knot in his stomach, one that would take years to remove. Christmas lights nauseated him as his loneliness increased.
At Christmas, he made it home, but some people lied to him telling him he needed to come back right away or he would lose his job. They laughed when he showed up. Such gullibility.
Spring came early in the southern town. Only two weeks of winter. For some reason Lori left the house and the position became available again. Not much was mentioned about it. Tom only noticed her absence.
It was a fine spring Sunday morning. Birds were singing, the grass had turned green and flowers were poking their heads from the ground. The earth smelled fresh as Tom walked the mile and a half from church to home. It was a pleasant walk along the quiet boulevard.
For the first time since Frank had begun attending, he missed church. “Sick.” Tom was told. So Tom decided to keep walking and visit Frank. It was only a couple of miles beyond where Tom was staying. Stopping at his house, Tom dropped off his Bible, then headed out to visit Frank.
Although he had not been to Frank’s apartment before, he knew where it was. Across from the college just a mile or so down the road. Tom took the long way. Past the banks. One said it was seventy-five degrees out, the other said it was seventy-seven. They never did agree. Then he turned the corner into a residential area. A small yard where two dogs loved to bark at passer-byers, the gold and yellows of the geraniums blooming.
Tom walked on till he came to the main road and turned north. He did not walk this road often. Past the park with its budding trees and blooming lilacs. Soon the fountains would have water running in them again. He wondered, ‘How could he serve his God?’ ‘What direction should he take to be most effective?’ He passed a Good Samaritan nursing home. ‘Isn’t there some way to help these people? So many people in need.’
The college was next, he knew he was close. Across the street was an old brick three story building. Just as Frank had described it. He entered. A dingy split entry. He took the steps to the manager’s room and knocked on the door. She told him which apartment it was. “Third floor, way to the back on the left.” The hallways were dingy made darker as he came in from outside. Few bare bulbs lit the way.
It was a warm fall Saturday. Tom had dropped out of school and been home for six months. He and his girl had not spoken all summer. In that in-between state of conciseness dividing sleep from full consciousness, his awareness began to awaken. The birds singing, children playing outside. He started to remember, at first it was a flashback to that fateful day. Only three months earlier was he able to admit to himself that Frank had drugged him. He was walking home from the lake where he had met some classmates. A little beer and a good swim. As he walked home the feeling of drunkenness came over him and he realized he had felt that way before. After he had talked with Frank for some time, he tried to get up out of his chair and suddenly felt dizzy. “Sit back down,” Frank ordered. Now he was waking from his slumber. “Frank rapped you,” said a voice inside Tom. “No” Tom argued. “True or false, he ….” Again he relived the flashback. It was true.
So naïve. So innocent. He had no experience with either drugs or alcohol. He had no way of recognizing that he had been drugged. So innocent, he had no concept of the evil he had experienced.
Over time, he would remember more. Life was no longer sequential, now it was bits and pieces. Here and there. Memories so vivid yet disconnected.
Alone. Nowhere to go for help. Deserted. No one to talk to. No one to talk with.
This is the way the memories of trauma are remembered. Not sequentially, but in vivid, disconnected snippets. Kind of like a dirty DVD where the story stops. Except with Trauma, the memories may not be sequential. They jump around.
Back to the discussion of religion:
After much though, I came come to the conclusion that I only have three flaws: I don’t pray enough, I don’t read the Bible enough and I don’t do enough.
Make believe is hard to overcome. Let’s go for reality.
Only through daily studying of scripture, and daily prayer can one discover God. In doing so, He changes us so we become who He wants us to be and teaches us what He wants us to learn.
Here are some questions to ask yourself. Go ahead and write the answers down. Place them in the back pages of this book if you want. Later, you might have different answers or the answers will have a different meaning. This will happen as you start to heal then go beyond recovery.
Does God care about you?
Does He know how you have been treated?
Does He care how you feel?
Does He care who you are going to marry, how many children you will have?
Does He care about your finances?
Has He given you special gifts and abilities to perform a certain task in life?
Does He care about the wealth you amass and how you are going to pass it on to your children?
Does He want you to be healthy in all aspects of your life?
Is He able to use you for His purposes even if you are not as healthy as you wish you were?
God has given you special gifts and abilities, but He keeps them hidden. It is only through others that we discover what these gifts are. Someday. Someone will say, “I like how you do that. I wish I could do that.” We think to ourselves, “I have always been able to do this. It is easy.” This is a special gift and talent. Because it comes easy for us, we take it for granted. Only when we see others cannot do this thing do we discover it is our special talent. Follow these talents. Practice them. This is where God’s path for you lies.
7) Sexual